this page being late at least gets lets me feel like i can take a little time talking about whats going on behind the scenes (stressful, weird, but not bad?)

LEAVING HIVEWORKS: i probably have more to say about this concretely so i can answer the pressing question of why i am doing that, but first i am still in the process of getting off their servers lol. its on them at this point and ive paid for my hosting (stupid of me) bc i thought this would be a quick process. so im going to try to figure that shit out before the month is over. ill try at least.

I LOVE EXISTING: in sept of last year, my face erupted in a rash that still has not gone away despite the unless supply of salves and creams ive thrown at it consistently. while i was getting strawberry allergy sorted out, four different doctors looked at me and said "that looks like lupus. have you been tested for lupus?" so i got my blood tested for lupus. the result is that my blood does not indicate that i have lupus, but this doesnt rule out lupus that simply doesnt have blood markers (which im understanding is just the most reliable form of diagnosis). my doctor got me a referral to a rheumatologist, which is in a month. not bad for western healthcare lol.

what this means is that im going to try not to ruminate about it much until i get a diagnosis one way or the other. autoimmune something seems to be the consensus since there's just....a lot going on for decades of my life that would be retroactively explained by having the disorder where your body tries to fight the sun's rays by giving you a fever and hives and starts eating your joints. i need to do a bunch of blog and news posts and shit but that's where the energy for it all has gone. into the lupus energy sinkhole. sorry im too busy hanging out with my new friend plantar fasciitis

im pretty upbeat about it honestly? at first i was freaked out because my experience prior to this is knowing its the thing house thought everyone had (remember that ancient meme). but reading into it, its a thing that can be terrible if you don't treat it because then your heart and lungs explode. and im at least trying to treat it now that im aware it could even be an issue, so that's already a good start.

its unsatisfying to constantly submit pages late when all i can do is shrug and go "i dont feeeel good :(" without a doctor's note. but now that i have a word that vaguely describes whats going on, i can start working around it. instead of waking up and wondering why i feel elves broke into my house and used me to cobble shoes

bear with me. thank you all

-bea